bathroom strike, and other forms of independence

Olive is really growing- she's really announcing a lot that she's a baby AND a big girl. I think that she finds that she's being encouraged to do things independently, and sees that it's not all it's cracked up to be (as in, it becomes routine, and not really that fun or exciting).

We did go to the zoo yesterday, and the whole day was so much fun (NC people watching was fun/unbearable. C'mon, put on some clothes. We're not in Myrtle Beach!). We had a blast seeing all the animals with her-- and she had so much fun she did NOT want to take any bathroom breaks.

We took so many photos-- and she really shined as a little person. She's really not a baby anymore, with such an incredible vocabulary...she really knew every animal, and seemed to really get it when i explained biodiesel.

Recitals

Ever since Olive saw her cousin Kendall's dance recital, she's been all about dance recitals. She'll say (when Andy and I start dancing with her), "no. it's my dance recital!" and keep going. She just told me that when you play music, it's called a 'Fresh Recital'. I'm being told now, to come on, it's time for the fresh recital! she's putting drums together to play and we're going to share the drumsticks.

might as well since i don't keep a diary...

Am nearing the end of my miscarriage, I can only hope. This marks 2 and a half weeks of it as an event. Will write a quick recap here, with some detail, so be forwarned:

Tuesday, 3 positive pregnancy tests (Dollar Store kind).

Friday, brown/red spotting.

Friday, blood test for pregnancy hormone count, Chapel Hill. To visit my sister with O and my mom--am told that sitting in the car is a bad place/position if there's a threat of miscarriage. It takes us almost 5 hours instead of 3 to drive to VA because it's pouring down rain the whole time. Totally stressful. I knit.

Saturday, spotting seems to be going away.

Sunday, drive home from VA. No real spotting anymore and feeling hopeful. Got lost in VA and drove an extra 45 minutes out of the way.

Monday, get Friday's results-- 311. Looks too low for 6 weeks. Another blood test.

Tuesday, get Monday's results--311. Yes, they double checked, but it hadn't moved at all. Not a viable pregnancy, but why isn't it going up or down?

Wednesday, get another blood test, Chapel Hill. Bruise on my arm makes me look like I do needle drugs.

Thursday, get results, 331. Confusing, brief panic from a nurse that I could have an ectopic pregnancy, then a quick call back to say that the number increase was negligible, and that it was just the same, still not viable, and very unlikely that it's an ectopic, as it would have been closer to 2000 by then.

Saturday morning, bleeding begins in ernest. I am relieved, but it's not fun. O goes to her grandparents for a slumber party (she loves it) and I go to see Andy play in two bands at Pinhook. An awesome awesome night of distraction where my man really stood out as incredible. I was so proud, and so happy to be there with him.

Sunday, continued. Drive back to Carrboro to get O, out to lunch with the family. Not close enough to a bathroom as I wanted to be.

Monday morning, I pass the obvious tissues, and massive amounts of blod clots resembling liver. Feel weak, tired. Stay hooked to home and the bathroom. Unpleasant. Cancel my appt for another blood test because I just don't feel up to the drive to Chapel Hill again.

Tuesday, blood test appointment, drive to Chapel Hill. Come home and rest, watch part of a movie, a great neighbor with her adorable, sleeping 1-month old comes over to hang out. Surprisingly welcome, considering.

Wednesday, today-- get results, 234. Better, but I was ready for it to be incredibly low, with the amount of blood I'm losing. I bought a vitamin suppliment with lots of iron called Blood Booster that the midwife said was a good thing, and advised even taking two a day, since I already lean towards anemia. Worked hard on late End of Year reports, finally, for my work. They were due Monday, and my boss has been great. Don't think I can contact the kids and their parents and explain why they're so late. Kept Olive home and it was hard, but was good to be with her. Finished reports. Still bleeding a lot, and feeling whimpy. Will have another appointment to check my levels in around a week or so. If all things continue to go 'well' then they should drop to 0-5 soon. If I stop bleeding but my levels remain high, then I may need to get help that I don't want to get. I'm trying to believe that my body is going to just take care of itself. I hope I hope I hope.

It's a weird mix of 'of course I'm fine' and 'I wish I could just lie in bed and get 24-hour massages, watch movies and not engage. It's draining, hormonally rocky, and yet, there's no real way to make something positive out of it other than it is a really good thing it's so early. Not a ton of solice there, but certainly some. My friend Dara brought me flowers, brownies and a porter (at my request, likely not a great idea). SO sweet. The flowers make me have something to look at to remind me that I am actually going through something.

We likely can't try again for a couple of months at least, which makes me sad, too, but all in good time and when the time is right, right?

at home together

so today i thought i'd keep olive home with me and try to see what happened if, for a full day together, we'd be able to take breaks so i could do some writing/work. it was pretty freaking hard, and i just ended up feeling guilty. i started off telling her as clearly as possible-- 'if you stay home with mommy today, then i will have to take breaks where you can keep playing, even right next to me, and i will work on the computer'. it was broken down, and she understood it all. she was into it. i told her, 'if you want to play with others all day, then i can take you to school and you can play with your friends'. ultimately, i feel like it really was a terrible experiment that just made her have a hard day. when naptime rolled around, it was awful. she didn't listen to me and kept up the 'no's for almost 2 hours while i kept almost drifting off to sleep, only to open my eyes and see that she was standing up in the windowsill next to our bed looking out at the rain and the garden. i'd ask her to lie down and try again, and this was all after almost an hour of reading and settling down. we did have a lot of fun today, and we did play, but she also sat in my lap while i worked for a little while (not great) and ended up just saying 'well...i don't want to sleep or take a nap i want to play with you'. "Olive, do you remember what I told you this morning?" 'Yes, you have to work. But I want to play with you for just a little bit more time, okay? Okay. Let's go.' I really feel like i spent the whole day trying to figure out what to do when she says no to me. There was a lot of me trying to negotiate and me trying to figure our consequences and whether I should even give her any.

I think it's time to pick up the ole' books and read about the big NO. The problem is that she starts to whine, I say, "Olive, I will not listen to you if you use that voice" or "It's hard for me to understand you" so then she immediately straightens up, stops whining, and says, "Mommy? Will you please give me...." or "Mommy? Please let's not take a nap right now, okay? We should play some more, okay? Okay. Now we (insert whatever play she wants to do RIGHT THEN)" She's so freaking eloquent that it makes it hard to say no to a polite young lady. Uugh. So hard.

I even talked to her about naps at school. "So, you take naps at school every day." "Yes." "Why won't you take a nap with mommy but you'll take a nap at school?" Answer is either, "Oh! Look at (whatever she's doing so she doesn't have to answer)" or "------ rubs my back." Okay, so there's also an awesome routine she follows there that I try to mimic at home, but it just doesn't work for naps. Even if I (her mother) rubs her back. I got Andy on the phone today and it ended up just making us both laugh (almost with pride)--- she said- "Hi Daddy". Hi Olive. Mommy says that you won't take a nap. You need to go take a nap. "Well, I don't want to take a nap so I'm not going to take a nap, okay? I'm going to play some more." No, Olive, listen to your Mommy. It's time to take a nap. "Well, I don't want to. I'm not going to take a nap, Daddy, because I don't want to take a nap. It's okay, I'm going to go play, okay? Okay."

She now adds "Well..." before anything that means nope-- going to do it my way. I'm really quite proud of her and her new independence, though today, at home she also had 4 pee accidents on the floor, and claimed to be a baby again, but "it's okay. I'll be a big girl next week." I think it was the whole Mommy's working so I will be a baby with needs thing. Pretty obviously. So hard!

We had a great time the rest of the day, making art, playing with the dog family and the naked Strawberry Shortcake crew, we took a bath, we planted seeds outside (and got chomped by mosquitoes even after a massive coating of bug spray), we ate a lot of meals together, and snacks, and she made a cool collage of train cars (she drew the people inside them) glue-sticked to tree paper. We also jumped around and rolled on the bed, a favorite passtime, built with lincoln logs (she's getting really good) and rode around the house on the train. Fun day, but frought with guilt for me. Suckage.

I continued through the afternoon to explain to her that I was upset and a little sad that she didn't do what I asked all day. I really did whip out some basic threats-- but they just felt like threats. I still can't close the door on a crying, sad baby girl and tell her to make it happen. She went to be 'early', but it ended up being regular time since even at night she takes forever to really settle down. At 2 1/2, she surely needs more than 10 hours sleep total, right? That's not enough at all. To the books!

Meanwhile-- she's really into making up new words now. Munchig or something like that is her absolute favorite. She also likes to pick flowers and then arrange them in vases. We have a few small vases that she keeps adding our Dahlias to, after picking 3 inch stems. She also picked and ate a few raspberries from our bush, and actually shared one with me today. She's still a sweetie, even when not listening/doing.

I was lying with her in bed tonight and said---"I had a great day with you and love you no matter what. I felt sad and even upset today when you didn't listen, but I still love you no matter what." She answered, "no matter what?" I said, "I love you all the time". I had made faces for sad and upset, so she said, "This is the face you made when you were upset" and scrunched up her eyes and pursed her lips. I got her to show Andy mommy's upset face. I told her I still loved her again and she said she loved me too.

let's try....

all things name game. o's done em all. her latest thing is asking what things eat- what do rhinoceroses eat? what do turtles eat?

she's also very into mermaids. she asked me and grandma ginny- do mermaids poop in the ocean?

good question.

she's totally taught herself how to use the potty, and has only had about 3 pee accidents this week- otherwise, she goes to the potty herself for it all. it's awesome. no stickers, no charts, and she's 2 and a half. so cool. she's super duper proud of herself, and we really cheer her on (Go Olive Go!)

just found out that someone at her school has fifth disease. wtf is that? it's really dangerous for pregnant women--

o just came in here to tell me about her privates. vulva. vagina. bottom. then she asked me if gatto has a penis. 'gatto doesn't have a penis! gatto's a boy!'

2 1/2 in all it's (actual) glory

So, finally back on here- and I have much to report.  Mainly, O just was 'tumbling' on our bed while we finished dinner, and we heard her get down, go into the bathroom, then I went and peeked.  Sorry if this is too much detail, but for posterity's sake, please note that she just turned 2 1/2 last week, and that she's been yelling 'POOP!' or 'Pee pee pee pee' as she runs to the potty for only a week, with us saying, 'GO OLIVE GO!'.  

Okay, so this time, she had stopped playing, went into the bathroom, pulled her pants and underwear down, used the potty, wiped, flushed the toilet with old toilet paper in it (she doesn't yet adhere to 'if it's yellow let it mellow'), got her own potty and poured the pee into the big potty, then flushed it again, put the little potty in the bathtub to rinse, then pulled up all her clothes and was heading back to play some more.  WOW.  She'll ask me lately if I want some privacy when I'm heading to the bathroom, and it seems she's cool with takin' care of bizniss on her own, too!  Again, may this be the beginning of the end of diapers for this one.  Score one for awesome independent girl.  

For all the hoopla about the 'terrible twos', I'm really enjoying the new sassier, more 'no' inclined Olive just fine.  We did just do our first close her door with her inside after an hour of trying to 'nap' and tell her that she needed to stay in her room for quiet time. That was a hard decision, because earlier, after the dance class (awesome 2-3 year old Toddler Parent fun at the local non-professional track dance studio) we went into a toy store (best day ever, right?) before the birthday party, and yes, it was a toy store, but when it was time to leave, she was being a real toughie.  Many parents all around, and me being awful, pulling her away from the Calico Critters.  Seriously overpriced cute stuff.  At any rate, back to the 'NO NAP!' tantrum at hand---after a tear (or 500) and some stress from my stomach wondering if I was being awful for closing her door to her room-- though she really did seem exhausted, and it was almost 3 pm after a big big morning of dance class (!!!) and a birthday party where she was the only one nude for 90% of the time- there was a kiddie pool...so finally it was silent, finally meaning after only about 6 minutes.  I opened the door, and she was asleep on her arms on the hardwood floor.  We hemmed and hawed and decided to leave her there, surrounded her with a blanket and some pillows if she were to roll over, and left the room.  Okay, time line:

3:00-- said have a good rest and closed the door.

3:06--O was asleep on the floor.

5:30--she starts to make some sleepy noises, so Andy puts her on the bed.  I rub her back and assume she's waking up.  She doesn't, and goes back to sleep.

7:30--this time when we check on her, she's back on the floor, next to her bed on a pillow and rug.  We change her diaper, again thinking that waking her up won't be a big deal, and that she had slept plenty.  She doesn't wake up.  We put her on the bed, and she's still asleep.  She snuggles in on her pillow in bed.

Seriously--

3:30 am--I wake to, "mommy?"  silence.  "daddy?"  I go in, lay down with her and talk for maybe 5 minutes, then she and I fall back asleep.  We had actually made up a simple meal for her to eat in case she woke up hungry in the middle of the night.  Never used it.

7:45 am--she and I wake up for the day.  Grand total:  16 3/4 hours of sleep.

So.  I was right, she needed some rest!

Other amazing things-- she's really into saying thank you a lot, and it feels natural to hear it, so I love love love that.  She's also becoming more and more physical, which I like.  She's climbing more, and tumbling around, and seems to be a pretty happy kid.  She still doesn't like new people, especially not if it's ever someone she has to interact with and it was supposed to be mommy/olive time.  No dice for the poor folks.  She covers her eyes with her hands and pretty much growls.  I know everyone else can just deal with it, but I do find myself using words like 'shy' and 'introvert' a lot more, feeling like I'm labeling her as soon as I say it, and because it's with her right there, I'm pushing this identity on her.  I am working to try not to use those words directly and just shrug or something, letting her do her own thing with people.  I do tell her that it's okay not to talk with people if she doesn't want to.  I think there's a direct reaction from some like, "Oh, Amelia!  How can you have a shy kid??" and at times I'm almost insulted.  I know I can be friendly friendly friendly (I've started talking even more to check out people and the like-- thanks mom!) but it doesn't mean I always want to talk to everyone that walks in front of me.  I tell Olive to let me know if she needs some space, and she seems to be learning how to do just that.  

She deals with social issues at school a lot-- some kiddos are more regularly aggressive (whether they're being friendly or not, just space invaders) and she's dealt with some pretty intense hair-pulling, or at least I hear about it every. single. day.  I don't care if this kid and her are friends most of the time, I hate it that she's formed this identity for them and for her.  However, maybe she's learning skills that will be helpful for her since next year her class (the ones her age) will be 5 boys and her all day.  There will be a couple girls younger, and then maybe 2 more much younger ones, but she won't be with a group of mixed genders, and I'm still trying to figure out why my stomach gets all twisted when I think about this environment for her.  I certainly know that kiddos at that age don't deal with much in terms of gender issues, but when she is peeing and talking about her girl parts, nobody else is going to be.  She's also got extremely long hair, and so I'm wondering if and hoping that there will be some boy with hair down to his butt, too, upping the possibility that she won't be the only target if there's any kiddos that won't let their hair-pulling habit go.  Any thoughts on a class of 6 with her being the only girl are welcome.  Her only main issues they've ever discussed with us from her school (at last P-T conference) were the ones surrounding her tendency to play alone or away from the other kids when there are group gross motor activities going on-- let's see how that works with all boys.  I guess I just need to be more hyper aware of whether she starts to self-isolate from them.  She may just have an awesome time, love em all, and never want to leave, and I could be freaking out for nothing.  She's been with 3 boys for two years (in classes of 4) and with her being at school for full weeks, I am always less likely to arrange more social activities for her outside of 'school' (though I know it will change as she ages) and so I feel the need to try to get her together with other girls more.  

She's an awesome, thoughtful kid.  She says 'why' probably 300 times a day- including just using the word 'why' to create whole sentences.  "why why why why why?"

She says things like- 

"Okay, mommy.  Time to give you a shot,  but here's a bandaid, and so it should feel better in a couple few minutes."  

"Mommy, let's have a conversation."  What do you want to talk about?  "Daddy".  Okay, what about Daddy?  "What does daddy do at his work?"  

"Mommy, I am going to make a parfait for you and one for me.  I need a knife to cut the strawberries."

"That's called arabesque (shows me).  And it's good to have something to hold on to.  (starts singing) And a partridge in a pear tree!"

Favorite songs:  12 days of christmas.  Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (by Al Martino).  Macha's "Cat Wants to be Dog".  Pavement's "Cut Your Hair".  "Little Boxes".  The Name Game (at the beach she went through all our beach things, and even did 'bucket'.  I didn't laugh--out loud).  She writes her own songs now, too, starting to move beyond saying one word over and over with an imaginary melody-- it used to be that she'd sing one word or sound to the tune of a song (like "no" to the tune of 'Rudolph').  

She also could care less about much in terms of videos and tv (HOORAY!).  today we watched a little PBS (we don't have cable) and after a show or two, I asked her if that was enough, and she wanted to play and stop watching.  How cool.  Yesterday, all day, she pretended to be her friend Wiley, and told me that I was Wiley's mom, Elizabeth, her baby doll was Archer (Wiley's little brother) and Andy was York, Wiley's dad.  We didn't act any differently (other than Olive saying 'Olive Polive' like Wiley does) and were that family pretty much all day to her.

Maybe I'll write again soon.  So much to share.  

Olive Creating

She loves to make stuff-- here it's paintings, stamps, bread, a messy face. She goes totally into each project she does-- her heart is so into it, it makes my heart melt. And humbles me.