might as well since i don't keep a diary...

Am nearing the end of my miscarriage, I can only hope. This marks 2 and a half weeks of it as an event. Will write a quick recap here, with some detail, so be forwarned:

Tuesday, 3 positive pregnancy tests (Dollar Store kind).

Friday, brown/red spotting.

Friday, blood test for pregnancy hormone count, Chapel Hill. To visit my sister with O and my mom--am told that sitting in the car is a bad place/position if there's a threat of miscarriage. It takes us almost 5 hours instead of 3 to drive to VA because it's pouring down rain the whole time. Totally stressful. I knit.

Saturday, spotting seems to be going away.

Sunday, drive home from VA. No real spotting anymore and feeling hopeful. Got lost in VA and drove an extra 45 minutes out of the way.

Monday, get Friday's results-- 311. Looks too low for 6 weeks. Another blood test.

Tuesday, get Monday's results--311. Yes, they double checked, but it hadn't moved at all. Not a viable pregnancy, but why isn't it going up or down?

Wednesday, get another blood test, Chapel Hill. Bruise on my arm makes me look like I do needle drugs.

Thursday, get results, 331. Confusing, brief panic from a nurse that I could have an ectopic pregnancy, then a quick call back to say that the number increase was negligible, and that it was just the same, still not viable, and very unlikely that it's an ectopic, as it would have been closer to 2000 by then.

Saturday morning, bleeding begins in ernest. I am relieved, but it's not fun. O goes to her grandparents for a slumber party (she loves it) and I go to see Andy play in two bands at Pinhook. An awesome awesome night of distraction where my man really stood out as incredible. I was so proud, and so happy to be there with him.

Sunday, continued. Drive back to Carrboro to get O, out to lunch with the family. Not close enough to a bathroom as I wanted to be.

Monday morning, I pass the obvious tissues, and massive amounts of blod clots resembling liver. Feel weak, tired. Stay hooked to home and the bathroom. Unpleasant. Cancel my appt for another blood test because I just don't feel up to the drive to Chapel Hill again.

Tuesday, blood test appointment, drive to Chapel Hill. Come home and rest, watch part of a movie, a great neighbor with her adorable, sleeping 1-month old comes over to hang out. Surprisingly welcome, considering.

Wednesday, today-- get results, 234. Better, but I was ready for it to be incredibly low, with the amount of blood I'm losing. I bought a vitamin suppliment with lots of iron called Blood Booster that the midwife said was a good thing, and advised even taking two a day, since I already lean towards anemia. Worked hard on late End of Year reports, finally, for my work. They were due Monday, and my boss has been great. Don't think I can contact the kids and their parents and explain why they're so late. Kept Olive home and it was hard, but was good to be with her. Finished reports. Still bleeding a lot, and feeling whimpy. Will have another appointment to check my levels in around a week or so. If all things continue to go 'well' then they should drop to 0-5 soon. If I stop bleeding but my levels remain high, then I may need to get help that I don't want to get. I'm trying to believe that my body is going to just take care of itself. I hope I hope I hope.

It's a weird mix of 'of course I'm fine' and 'I wish I could just lie in bed and get 24-hour massages, watch movies and not engage. It's draining, hormonally rocky, and yet, there's no real way to make something positive out of it other than it is a really good thing it's so early. Not a ton of solice there, but certainly some. My friend Dara brought me flowers, brownies and a porter (at my request, likely not a great idea). SO sweet. The flowers make me have something to look at to remind me that I am actually going through something.

We likely can't try again for a couple of months at least, which makes me sad, too, but all in good time and when the time is right, right?

at home together

so today i thought i'd keep olive home with me and try to see what happened if, for a full day together, we'd be able to take breaks so i could do some writing/work. it was pretty freaking hard, and i just ended up feeling guilty. i started off telling her as clearly as possible-- 'if you stay home with mommy today, then i will have to take breaks where you can keep playing, even right next to me, and i will work on the computer'. it was broken down, and she understood it all. she was into it. i told her, 'if you want to play with others all day, then i can take you to school and you can play with your friends'. ultimately, i feel like it really was a terrible experiment that just made her have a hard day. when naptime rolled around, it was awful. she didn't listen to me and kept up the 'no's for almost 2 hours while i kept almost drifting off to sleep, only to open my eyes and see that she was standing up in the windowsill next to our bed looking out at the rain and the garden. i'd ask her to lie down and try again, and this was all after almost an hour of reading and settling down. we did have a lot of fun today, and we did play, but she also sat in my lap while i worked for a little while (not great) and ended up just saying 'well...i don't want to sleep or take a nap i want to play with you'. "Olive, do you remember what I told you this morning?" 'Yes, you have to work. But I want to play with you for just a little bit more time, okay? Okay. Let's go.' I really feel like i spent the whole day trying to figure out what to do when she says no to me. There was a lot of me trying to negotiate and me trying to figure our consequences and whether I should even give her any.

I think it's time to pick up the ole' books and read about the big NO. The problem is that she starts to whine, I say, "Olive, I will not listen to you if you use that voice" or "It's hard for me to understand you" so then she immediately straightens up, stops whining, and says, "Mommy? Will you please give me...." or "Mommy? Please let's not take a nap right now, okay? We should play some more, okay? Okay. Now we (insert whatever play she wants to do RIGHT THEN)" She's so freaking eloquent that it makes it hard to say no to a polite young lady. Uugh. So hard.

I even talked to her about naps at school. "So, you take naps at school every day." "Yes." "Why won't you take a nap with mommy but you'll take a nap at school?" Answer is either, "Oh! Look at (whatever she's doing so she doesn't have to answer)" or "------ rubs my back." Okay, so there's also an awesome routine she follows there that I try to mimic at home, but it just doesn't work for naps. Even if I (her mother) rubs her back. I got Andy on the phone today and it ended up just making us both laugh (almost with pride)--- she said- "Hi Daddy". Hi Olive. Mommy says that you won't take a nap. You need to go take a nap. "Well, I don't want to take a nap so I'm not going to take a nap, okay? I'm going to play some more." No, Olive, listen to your Mommy. It's time to take a nap. "Well, I don't want to. I'm not going to take a nap, Daddy, because I don't want to take a nap. It's okay, I'm going to go play, okay? Okay."

She now adds "Well..." before anything that means nope-- going to do it my way. I'm really quite proud of her and her new independence, though today, at home she also had 4 pee accidents on the floor, and claimed to be a baby again, but "it's okay. I'll be a big girl next week." I think it was the whole Mommy's working so I will be a baby with needs thing. Pretty obviously. So hard!

We had a great time the rest of the day, making art, playing with the dog family and the naked Strawberry Shortcake crew, we took a bath, we planted seeds outside (and got chomped by mosquitoes even after a massive coating of bug spray), we ate a lot of meals together, and snacks, and she made a cool collage of train cars (she drew the people inside them) glue-sticked to tree paper. We also jumped around and rolled on the bed, a favorite passtime, built with lincoln logs (she's getting really good) and rode around the house on the train. Fun day, but frought with guilt for me. Suckage.

I continued through the afternoon to explain to her that I was upset and a little sad that she didn't do what I asked all day. I really did whip out some basic threats-- but they just felt like threats. I still can't close the door on a crying, sad baby girl and tell her to make it happen. She went to be 'early', but it ended up being regular time since even at night she takes forever to really settle down. At 2 1/2, she surely needs more than 10 hours sleep total, right? That's not enough at all. To the books!

Meanwhile-- she's really into making up new words now. Munchig or something like that is her absolute favorite. She also likes to pick flowers and then arrange them in vases. We have a few small vases that she keeps adding our Dahlias to, after picking 3 inch stems. She also picked and ate a few raspberries from our bush, and actually shared one with me today. She's still a sweetie, even when not listening/doing.

I was lying with her in bed tonight and said---"I had a great day with you and love you no matter what. I felt sad and even upset today when you didn't listen, but I still love you no matter what." She answered, "no matter what?" I said, "I love you all the time". I had made faces for sad and upset, so she said, "This is the face you made when you were upset" and scrunched up her eyes and pursed her lips. I got her to show Andy mommy's upset face. I told her I still loved her again and she said she loved me too.

let's try....

all things name game. o's done em all. her latest thing is asking what things eat- what do rhinoceroses eat? what do turtles eat?

she's also very into mermaids. she asked me and grandma ginny- do mermaids poop in the ocean?

good question.

she's totally taught herself how to use the potty, and has only had about 3 pee accidents this week- otherwise, she goes to the potty herself for it all. it's awesome. no stickers, no charts, and she's 2 and a half. so cool. she's super duper proud of herself, and we really cheer her on (Go Olive Go!)

just found out that someone at her school has fifth disease. wtf is that? it's really dangerous for pregnant women--

o just came in here to tell me about her privates. vulva. vagina. bottom. then she asked me if gatto has a penis. 'gatto doesn't have a penis! gatto's a boy!'